


How to Get Kicked Out of the Bat Cave

by Jaybirds_Night



Series: How to Get Kicked Out of... [1]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU
Genre: Characters being ridiculous, Family, Friendship, Gen, Humor, Mention of Outlaws, Mention of Teen Titans, Mention of Young Justice, mention of JLA
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-07
Updated: 2017-03-22
Packaged: 2018-08-29 18:21:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 5,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8500315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jaybirds_Night/pseuds/Jaybirds_Night
Summary: Ever wonder what weird shit the bat-family gets up to in their spare time?





	1. 1-4

**Author's Note:**

> Don't forget to comment! I would love to hear whatever feed back you have for me! :D

**1) Get banned from gym**  

Damian was no longer allowed to participate in gym class due to _accidentally_ incapacitating one of the gym teachers during the self defense unit. 

And for some reason his family was proud... especially Jason.  

Damian found it to be rather unsettling. 

 

 **2) Touch Jason’s bike**  

After seeing what Jason did to the man who dented his motorcycle in parking lot the Bat-family now avoided going anywhere near the thing. 

Unless absolutely necessary. 

 

 **3) Watch High School Musical**  

Never let the girls watch High School Musical. 

Ever. 

Unless you want them singing 'Bop to the top' or 'I don't dance' into the coms. 

 

 **4) Accidentally call someone 'Mom'**  

Stephanie had just gotten back from a long patrol and was exhausted. As she was headed to her room Bruce wished her good night. Her brain was way to tired to think and she responded with- 

"You too, Mom." 

She had taken a few more steps before her brain finally registered what she had said. Her cheeks flushed in embarrassment as she spun around to apologize, but stopped when she saw the shocked expression Bruce held. His mouth was slightly agape and his eyes wide. 

"Since when did I become Mom?"


	2. 5-8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you enjoying these so far?

**5)** **Use the term ‘Mob wife’**  

"Why does your gang always call me the mob wife?!" Dick exclaimed, glaring at Jason. 

The other shrugged. "'Cause you're the women in the relationship?" 

"I am not!" 

Jason raised in eyebrow as his lips curled into a smirk. "Really? Because I'm sure as hell not the one who lectures people on proper diet and cleaning out blood stains." 

Dick paused for a moment and then frowned. "Shit. I am a mob wife..." 

 

 **6) Alcohol before patrol**  

When Bruce had sent Jason, Dick and Tim out on patrol he was completely unaware that they had had a few drinks. 

That was until Tim all of a sudden passed out and Dick almost fell off a rooftop. Jason was fine though, surprisingly. 

Bruce made sure they suffered through their hangovers the next day. 

 

 **7) Hang upside down**  

Tim was bored so he decided to hang upside down from the rafters and wrap himself in a black sheet. 

"I am the night..." He said in a deep, throaty voice. 

Just then Alfred walked in, an amused expression on his face as he peered up at Tim. "Master Timothy, I don't recall giving you permission to become a bat as well." 

 

 **8) Invite Superman over**  

The Bat-family was currently witnessing the most intense stare down in history. 

Every muscle of Batman's body was stiff as he asked Superman the dreaded question that had been haunting his mind. "Tell me, do you bleed?" 

"Uh..." Superman definitely wasn't expecting that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to comment! :D


	3. 9-12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to start another one of these list things soon called 'How to get kicked out of S.T.A.R Labs'  
> They will both be update at least once a week :)

**9) Babysit Damian**  

Jason stared down at the demon spawn in hatred, the kid's glare having the same intensity.   

Why did he have to baby-sit Damian again? Oh right- because Bruce was an asshole. He also didn't understand why the fifteen year old demon needed a sitter because Jason was pretty sure Damian was capable of taking care of himself just fine.  

"Where's Alfred when you need him?" Jason muttered to himself.  

"Pennyworth is out shopping, dimwit." Jason's attention went back to the younger boy.  

"Shut it, demon."  

Damian gritted his teeth, "Tt." 

 

 **10) Let Barbara drive the Batmobile**  

Barbara never had the chance to drive the Batmobile before she was confined to a wheelchair so Bruce decided to let her control it remotely.  

Let's just say it didn't go so well. 

Steph and Kate were holding on to dear life as Oracle forced it into full gear, speeding through Gotham. 

"I think I'm going to be sick!" Steph yelled as the car's tires screeched around the bend.  

Oracle's sadistic fits of laughter were all they could hear once the car finally came to a halt. 

Batgirl immediately jumped out, kissing the ground repeatedly. Kate groaned as she was overcome by a wave of nausea and quickly bolted over to the grass to puke. 

Steph sat up when she heard the familiar retching sound. "You okay over there?" She asked. 

Batwomen nodded weakly. "Yeah..." She paused to wipe her mouth with a grimace. "Damn, this is why I prefer my motorcycle." 

 

 **11) Play Angry birds**  

Bruce peered over Tim's shoulder, the teen engrossed by the game he was playing on his phone. 

"What are you doing?" He asked. 

Tim didn't look up, not realizing who it was. "Playing Angry birds." 

"Aren't you supposed to be training?" 

Tim stopped mid-stroke, slowly turning to face his mentor. "Oh... I'll go do that now." 

Bruce nodded, watching the boy sprint down the hall. Once Tim was out of sight he noticed that Tim had left his phone behind.  

Picking up the phone Bruce studied the bird icons and couldn't help crack a small smile when seeing the small red bird. "Hm... Reminds me of Jason."  

 

 **12) Hijack Barbra's wheelchair**  

In revenge for the insane drive Barbara took her on Stephanie decided to hijack her wheelchair. Sure, maybe it wasn't the safest plan but she wasn't really thinking about safety in those moments. 

After hooking up the chair to a wireless controller -when Barbara was asleep- the current Batgirl escaped into the next room. She then began flicking the joystick randomly which quickly followed by Barbara's surprised yelps. 

"What the hell is going on?!"


	4. 13-16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to comment! :D

**13) Horror movies**  

Jason glared at Damian as he pointed to Dick’s shaking huddled form in the corner. 

“Did you make him watch a fucking horror movie again?!” 

Damian rolled his eyes and huffed. “I thought he could handle it!” 

 

 **14) Pet names**  

"Come on baby bird! We don't have all day!" Dick teased as he grappled past the younger vigilante. 

Tim groaned, "How many times have I told you to stop calling me that?!" 

Nightwing smiled mischievously. "Honestly I haven't been keeping track." 

 

 **15) Forget important clothing**  

Cass was in the kitchen having some orange juice when Tim stumbled in. It seemed he was oblivious to the fact that he was missing a rather important piece of clothing. 

"You forget something Drake?" She mumbled over the rim of her glass. 

Tim appeared confused, that was until he looked down. He then bolted down the hall shouting something that sounded a lot like, "My pants!"

 

 **16) Eat the cereal**   

Dick stared at the empty cupboard in frustration before turning to face the others.  

"Who ate all my cereal?" He asked in a sickly sweet voice. It was obviously fake.  

Kate and Steph froze instantly. 


	5. 17-20

**17) Hack the Watchtower**  

Bruce didn't know whether to be disappointed or proud when he got a call from Jo'nn saying that someone hacked the Watchtower. 

That someone being Barbara. 

Later that night he decided to visit Barbara at her base, the Clock tower, to confront her about her latest escapade. 

Just as he was approaching her she turned around. "Bruce, I didn't-" He cut Oracle off with a pat on the shoulder. 

"Nice work," he said with a faint, but noticeable smile. 

 

 **18) Forget to take the mask off**  

Alfred was making his rounds early that morning when he came upon something that made him coo in response. 

There, sprawled out on the living room couch, was Damian. Even though it appeared he had shed his night uniform for a more comfortable pair of pajamas Damian was still wearing his dark green mask. 

"The young master must have worn himself out," Alfred whispered to himself as he carefully draped a blanket over the boy. 

  

 **1** **9** **) Smoking**   

"No smoking inside Master Todd," Alfred said, plucking the freshly lit cigarette from Jason's lips.  

Jason pouted, shoving his hands in his pockets as he watched Alfred strut away. "God dammit! That was my last one."  

  

 **2** **0** **) Bathroom breaks**   

Jason and Kate were on look out duty when Jason all of a sudden decided he had to go to the bathroom and walked further into the alley.  

Once he got back Batwomen shot him an ‘are you for real’ kind of look.  

“What?” He exclaimed. “I had to take a piss!” 

“And you couldn't hold it till we got back?”  

He gave a small shrug, smirking beneath his helmet. “When nature calls it's rude not to pick up.” 


	6. 21-24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to post these yesterday so I apologize for that.  
> Hope you enjoy~! Don't forget to comment :D

**2** **1** **) Laughing gas**   

Batman had a run in with the Joker and was sprayed with laughing gas. And like the name suggests he couldn't stop laughing.  

Steph watched from afar with the rest of the Bat-family. "Is it just me or does anyone else find this... unsettling?"  

"It’s not just you," Dick replied and everyone agreed.  

  

 **2** **2** **) Insult the Croc**   

"I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but that look is _so_ last year." Steph couldn't help letting a little chuckle slip at her own joke.  

A low grumble vibrated in Killer Croc's throat. He glared at the Bat's sidekick, his red reptilian eyes revealing a building rage. "I'm beautiful."  

Batgirl snorted from her perch on top the overhead lamppost. "Whatever helps you sleep at night Croc."  

  

 **2** **3** **) Road Rage**   

Tim, Damian, Steph and Jason were on the way to visit Mt. Justice when they get stuck in traffic. Unfortunately they had made the terrible mistake of letting Tim drive.  

"The light is green asshole, so press the fucking gas peddle and move!" Tim suddenly growls, startling everyone in the car.  

At first they think it's just nerves that caused it, but then Tim's rage fit continues and the three other passengers are both terrified and impressed.  

A few minutes later Tim's voice all of a sudden gained a terrifyingly calm edge. "I know we have a no killing rule."  

Jason closed his eyes with a groan, "what the fuck..."  

"Timmy, I don't think murder is the answer," Steph said nervously from the back. She really didn't want it to get to the point where she'd have to explain to Bruce why they were arrested. And all while that was happening, Damian was staring at Tim, giving off the impression of having just witnessed a miracle.  

"I'd be doing the world a _favor_." Tim grinded out, "And I would get away with it. I've done wor—you son of a bitch, you think you can get away with tail gating me, I will fucking find you and I will bring you down."  

Jason, who would have normally found this to be hysterical, banged his head against the dashboard. "Someone please kill me..."  

Meanwhile in the back Steph mumbled to herself, "it's always the quiet ones."  

Damian, however, had a creepy ass grin on his face, looking _proud_.  

  

 **2** **4** **) Pass out in the hallway**   

Cassandra was walking down the hall toward the kitchen, still half asleep when suddenly her foot caught on something and sent her tumbling down.  

She groaned, pushing herself up. What the hell had she tripped on? Glancing over her shoulder Cass couldn't help but roll her eyes once discovering what—or more specifically _who_ —had caused the fall.  

There in the middle of the hall was Dick, sprawled out on the ground, dead asleep.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #23 inspired by Road Rage Robin by heartslogos


	7. 25-28

**2** **5** **) Use the crossbow inside**   

When Damian asked Helena to teach him to use a crossbow she was ecstatic. No one in the family had ever shown any interest in her type of weapons before so of course she accepted.  

She crouched beside Damian, guiding his hands into the correct positions as he aimed her crossbow.  

"Steady... steady... fire!" She commanded, her lips quirking upward.  

 _Crash!_   

They both froze when they heard Bruce shout from upstairs. "HELENA! YOU BETTER NOT BE USING YOUR CROSSBOW INSIDE!"  

 

 **26** **) Give Batgirl coffee**   

Cass was watching Steph run around the cave like a mad-man, not sure how to handle the overly hyper girl at the moment.  

When Helena finally arrived all she did was raise a brow at Steph's behavior. "What's up with her?" She asked, taking a seat beside Black Bat.  

Cass just shrugged, which Helena took as a 'no'.  

About five or so minutes later Tim appeared, frowning when he saw Steph. "Who let her have coffee?"  

  

 **27** **) Mess with magic**   

Having Zatana show off her magic during her visit was a bad idea.  

" _Nurt_ _otni_ _a_ _ynnub_ _!"_   

Tim was suddenly enveloped in a billow of thick smoke, making everyone in the room cough. When it finally cleared in Tim's place was a bunny.

"Uh oh..." Zatana whispered.

 

 **28** **) Say, 'I work alone'**   

When the Justice League offered to help with the massive break out at Arkham Asylum Batman refused.  

"No, I work alone," he said, turning on his heel and marching out of the meeting— his not-so-secret army of children following.  

Green Lantern leaned over to whisper to Flash, "He does know we can see them, right?"  


	8. 29-32

**29** **) Leave weapons lying around**   

Alfred stared at the pistols and batarangs thrown on the ground. Sighing, he collected them and walked down to the cave.  

"Master Jason. Master Dick. I believe these are yours," he said, holding out the weapons to the two older boys.  

"Shit! I was wondering where those went," Jason took the two pistols with a grin; Dick doing the same with the batarangs. "Thanks Alfie!" 

"I must remind you that weapons are not allowed upstairs."  

Dick gave him a sheepish smile, "sorry, Alfred."  

  

 **30** **) Emo cave**   

Steph spun around on the roof top to point to the horizon before shouting, "To the Emo Cave, men!" She then proceeded to leap off the roof, leaving behind a confused adult and ten year old in her wake.  

"That women confuses me," Damian huffed, seeing Bruce nod out of the corner of his eye.  

  

 **31** **)** **Take out the trash**   

Bruce raised a brow, surprised to find Tim trudging into the Batcave covered in trash.  

"What happened?"  

Tim glared, clearly not in the mood for a conversation. "Jason happened."  

Bruce then watched as Tim walk away before turning back to the computer, pressing the coms button. "Hood, report to Cave immediately."

 

 **32** **) Spread rumors**   

"Dick, I need you to speak to Jason about these rumors he keeps spreading."  

Dick glanced up at Bruce, raising an eyebrow. "What's he been saying?"  

"'If you leave your kids unattended at night, Batman will adopt them.'"  

"…"  

"…"  

Dick shrugged, refusing to meet Bruce's gaze now. "I mean, he kinda has a point..."  


	9. 33-36

**33) Philosophical thoughts**  

"Do you think pigeons have feelings?" Roy asked during one of his stake outs with Jason. He was bored and annoying Jason seemed like the next best thing. 

There was a growl over the coms, "If you don't shut up right now I will shoot you in the fucking head." 

"What about silence don't you two imbeciles understand?" Damian hissed. 

 

 **34) Question the cape**  

Steph and Dick were sitting in the Batcave, studying the sparing match between Bruce and Damian. 

"How does Bruce's cape not get stuck on anything?" Steph asked, her feet resting on the back of the rolling chair as she watched upside down. 

Dick shrugged, "I don't know... the whole thing just seems inconvenient. I mean, you can literally just reach out and grab it! How have criminals not realized that?" 

Steph's brow furrowed slightly as she hummed in thought. "They're stupid, that's why... also how hasn't he tripped on it yet?" 

Dick stayed silent. 

Steph then swung her legs over so she lay across the chair, not looking away from the match. "Maybe we should just stop questioning it." 

"Yeah..."

 

 **35) Break the computer**  

Tim stared at the large computer in the Batcave – which was currently short circuiting and producing smoke – with a blank expression. His eye twitched when he noticed a tipped over coffee mug on the desk, the dark brown liquid covering the equipment. 

Tim was usually a very calm and collected person (despite harboring a unhealthy amount of road rage), but this drew the line. 

No one messed with the computer. Ever. 

"WHICH ONE OF YOU BROKE THE COMPUTER?!" 

 

 **36) Call Damian a 'demon'**  

When Roy was visiting Jason in Gotham he (unfortunately) had the pleasure of meeting the latest Robin – or should he say Hawk? Hawk definitely suited the boy better since whenever Damian dawned the costume he managed to turn the infamous Robin into some sort of carnivorous bird. 

Roy also made the mistake of calling him one of Jason's pet names he used for the kid. 

"How's it hanging, lil' Demon?" 

Damian's eyes narrowed as he spun around to face Roy. "How dare you insult me with that cursed name? I will kill you!" Damian then flung himself at him like a bat out of hell – a very accurate description on Roy's part. 

The former sidekick was lucky enough to escape Damian's wrath with only a handful of cuts and bruises when Dick finally pried him off.


	10. 37-40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I updated the tags because honestly I haven't really mentioned any pairings and probably won't any time soon. That being said, if you don't like pairings then you can read this without a problem (because let's be honest here, this story is pretty hysterical).
> 
> So now without further ado here's the next chapter :)

**37) Accuse Alfred of being a ninja**  

Kate was browsing the manors' library when someone suddenly cleared their throat from the doorway.  

Startled, she leapt back, immediately grabbing for the batarangs hidden on her belt. However, when she saw who it was she relaxed. 

"Are you a freaking ninja?!" Kate exclaimed, making wild hand gestures as she did. "How do you keep popping up everywhere and not make a sound? It scares the sh- crap out of me!" 

Alfred raised a perfectly arched eyebrow and said, "I tend to wonder about that myself sometimes..." 

 

 **38) Mention the Disco suit**   

Steph studied the different suits her partners had worn in the past. Some of them were very... _interesting._   

"Why would you even wear this?" She muttered, standing in front of the first Robin uniform.  

Jason just so happened to overhear and snorted once seeing what she was talking about. "You think that's bad? Try wearing a disco suit while fighting crime."  

Steph gave him a confused look and Jason gasped. "You mean you don't know about Dick's disco Nightwing suit that we were sworn into secrecy about, never to mention again?"  

Steph shook her head.  

"Gather the other freaks, it's time Uncle Jason educated you rug rats on one of Dickiebird's greatest mistakes."  

  

 **39) Misleading names**   

Selina landed on the rooftop, smiling as she sashayed toward Nightwing. "Dick," she greeted.  

"Ass," Nightwing grumbled.  

Selina paused for a moment before she suddenly doubled over laughing. It's then he realized what she had meant.  

"Oh, _OH,_ you meant my name. Sorry. Hi."  

 

 **40) Physical age over mental**  

Huntress and Nightwing were trapped in a brutal battle against some of Joker's goons when Huntress shouted– "How could you not have a plan?! I thought you were supposed to be the oldest?" 

Nightwing sounded a bit hysterical as he replied with, "Not mentally!" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It seems Dick has taken most of the spotlight this time... oops?


	11. 41-44

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the last chapter I forgot to mention that #38 was my favorite. Gotta love the 60's disco Nightwing suit XD (If you haven't seen/read the original comics you seriously have to look it up because it is hysterical!)

**41) Step on the grass**  

Batgirl wasn't really paying attention to where she was landing while passing through Robinson park. 

"How dare you crush my children!" A familiar voice echoed through the dense thicket. 

"Oh c'mon!" Batgirl whined. "If you don’t want people stepin' on your precious grass, Ivy, the least you could do is put up a sign!" 

 

 **42) Bond over guns**  

Kate and Jason gaped at Harper's enhanced firearms in awe. 

Jason then threw his hands up, shouting 'where have you been all my life?!' While Kate wrapped herself around their new family member in a tight hug. 

Meanwhile, in her startled and confused state, Harper turned her head to the side slightly to mouth the words 'help me' to Bruce. 

 

 **43) Sleep (according to Tim)**  

Cass gave her brother a look of concern. He was currently in front of the Bat-computer, working on their latest case involving Scarecrow – which had been going on for the past few days. 

"Tim, you need sleep." Her brother frowned.  

“Sleep is for the weak," he said defiantly, ignoring the fact that he was struggling to keep his eyes open. 

"Ok... want a drink?" 

Tim nodded, pushing back his chair. He had only made it a few feet before he suddenly passed out on the floor. 

 

 **44) Mock Dick’s fear inducing level**  

Tim and Jason were bored and decided that criticizing Dick’s Robin costume seemed worthy of their time. 

“How is that even remotely stealthily?” Tim frowned, staring pointedly at the old uniform. “… Or terrifying for that matter.” 

Jason looked smug as he replied. “Yes, because in the eyes of criminals scaly green tighty whities and a bright lemon cape definitely screams _fear me.”_  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So after 41 entries Harper Row, a.k.a. Bluebird, finally makes an appearance! Hooray!


	12. 45-48

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two chapters in one day? What is this madness?!

**45) Jazz hands**  

Dick slid along the floor before launching himself into a flip. He stuck the landing perfectly, complete with some over exaggerated jazz hands and beaming smile. 

Bruce sighed, "Dick, stop it with the jazz hands." 

 

 **46) Pop culture references**  

Batgirl groaned as Oracle informed her and Robin of two different robberies in progress. Both of which were blocks away from where they were perched on the rooftop. 

"Bank robberies? Ain't nobody got time that," Batgirl sassed just before grappling off toward the closest location. 

Damian raised a brow in confusion, oblivious to the older vigilantes reference. 

 

 **47) Brood for no reason**  

Dick walked into the living room to find Barbara glowering out the window. 

"What are you doing, Babs?" 

"Brooding," she answered in a low tone. 

"Ah." Dick then walked out, leaving Barbara to her random brooding session. 

 

 **48) Draw on Jason’s helmet**  

Sometime before patrol Jason stormed into the Batcave, gripping his helmet at his side. "Who the fuck drew a smiley face on my helmet?!" 

Everyone looked up as Jason held out his 'red hood', which was sporting a rather hastily drawn face. 

No one seemed to notice the guilty, yet amused, expression Alfred wore as Jason interrogated the others.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally we get Barbara making a quick appearance again in #47 so that's a plus.
> 
> Also in case some of you were unaware I will put who everyone is down below. (It's kind of obvious by now but I know that some people don't read the comics)
> 
> Bruce Wayne - Batman (duh...)  
> Dick Grayson - Nightwing  
> Jason Todd - Red Hood  
> Tim Drake - Red Robin  
> Stephanie Brown - Batgirl  
> Damian Wayne - Robin  
> Barbara Gordon - Oracle  
> Kate Kane - Batwomen  
> Cassandra Cain - Black bat  
> Harper Row - Bluebird  
> Helena Bertinelli - Huntress  
> Selina Kyle - Catwomen  
> Roy Harper - Arsenal (I know he isn't part of the bat family, but he spends a lot of time with Jason so just roll with it.)


	13. 49-52

**49) Explosives**  

The batkids didn't really know what they were thinking when they allowed Roy and Jason to dispose of the confiscated explosives. 

"What hell have we unleashed?" Dick asked, watching multiple warehouses – thankfully abandoned – explode followed by echoes of maniacal laughter. 

 

 **50) Swords**  

Bruce frowned at the sight of Cass and Damian sparring with a pair of swords. 

"What have I told you two about using swords?" 

"But—" they both said in unison. 

"You know the rules, put them back on the wall plucks." 

 

 **51) Leave Damian unattended in public**  

The girls had all dragged Damian into a shopping expedition with them when they lost track of him. 

"Uh, guys?" Steph said, getting the others attention. "Where's Dami?" 

"Dammit!" Kate muttered. 

 

 **52) Act out when Bruce is off doing his thing**  

Dick cupped his hands to his mouth, "Attention!" All the kids in the cave silenced as their eyes focused on him. "Okay, Bruce is off doing his thing nobody cares about with the League and will be gone for the rest of the week. So that means he's put us in charge of Gotham and trusts us to stay out of trouble. Any questions?" 

Tim raised his hand. 

"Yes, Tim?" 

"When you say 'stay out of trouble' are you referring to what we do on a daily basis or just in general and if so, did he leave a list of such activities?" 

"Um... no, he was pretty vague." 

Stephanie was next. "So does that mean I can paint the Batmobile purple then?" 

Dick shrugged, "Sure, why not." Steph fist pumped before running off, Cass at her heals. 

"Can I hack Bruce's phone so it keeps sending him pictures of bats?" Barbara smirked and Dick nodded. 

"What about—" Jason began, but was quickly cut off by Dick. "Nothing that involves murder or bodily harm." 

Both Jason and Damian pouted.


	14. 53-56

**53) Cause more than $50,000 in property damage**  

Bruce gathered everyone into the Batcave for an important meeting. 

"Does anyone know what this number represents?" He asked, holding up a small whiteboard with the number 46,233 written on it. 

The kids started guessing all at once with Bruce only managing to catch a few: 

"The number of people you've punched." 

"Alfred's pay check." 

“The number of bats living in the cave.” 

"The number of small children you've most likely made cry." 

"The number of times you've almost given Gordan a heart attack." 

Bruce sighed, "No—and Damian, I’m not the one who makes them cry—" Damian rolled his eyes. " _Anyway_ , this is the amount of property damage you've caused in the last two weeks alone. I hope you're all aware of what the limit is per month and the consequences, yes?" 

Everyone then simultaneously glared at Jason. "I can't promise anything." 

 

 **54) Play Assassins Creed**  

Damian was watching Wally play Assassins Creed with carefully concealed interest. He found the weapons in the game to be very efficient. He must discuss his findings with Cassandra. 

"Cain, we need to convince father to allow us to use hidden blades. They seem perfect for interrogation." 

Cass nodded, then added, "Escaping ropes too..." 

"Exactly, let us go consult father." 

 

 **55) Criticize pie**  

Damian grimaced as he observed Jason inhaled another slice of Alfred's apple pie. Damian found the scene to be rather disgusting and impolite. 

"I find your eating habits to be revolting, Todd." Jason ignored him, shoveling another forkful into his mouth. 

"Tt— I don't understand how you can't eat that filth," Damian huffed, crossing his arms over his chest. 

Jason's eyes narrowed as he pointed his fork at Damian menacingly. "Now listen here, demon brat. Pie is the most delicious thing in the universe so if you say otherwise I swear to god, I will shoot you." 

 

 **56) Pokémon Go**  

Batgirl and Nightwing were playing Pokémon Go while on patrol and happened upon a Pikachu. Except the problem was that it was located in the middle of a gang stronghold. 

"Is it worth it?" Nightwing asked, peering at the building down the street. 

Batgirl raised a brow as if to say ‘are you stupid’. "Uh, yeah." 

Let's just say Bruce was happy about the two taking down a stronghold, but he was more disappointed for the reason why they did it in the first place. 


	15. 57-60

**57) Damian’s pseudo-farm**  

Bruce watched as Damian led Titus, Alfred (the cat), Bat-cow and the newest addition, Goliath, through the cave. 

"We really need to figure out what to do with all these animals if Damian keeps bringing more home." 

 

 **58) Morbid Halloween costumes**  

The bat-family all froze in shock at the sight of Jason's costume 

"What?" He said, quirking an eyebrow as they stared at his full Joker get-up. "Too soon?" 

 

 **59) Harper and Harper**  

"Harper!" Bruce called. 

Roy and Harper, both happening to be in the cave at the time, answered simultaneously. "Yeah?" "What did I do this time?!" 

"…" 

The two young vigilantes then stared at each other in confusion as Bruce sighed. 

"I meant Bluebird, not you Harper." 

Roy and Harper, or rather Bluebird, both smirked at Bruce's mistake. 

"You know what I mean." 

 

 **60) Monopoly**  

It was annual family game night at the Wayne house (something Bruce suggested) and the game of choice was monopoly. 

It ended with Tim yelling, “screw you and your dumb Monopoly hotels,” right before he flipped the table. 

Monopoly is now out of the question. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #57 was inspired by me reading the Batman and Robin comics and seeing Damian's ever expanding zoo  
> #58 is based on a picture I saw and I just had to do something with it.  
> The story behind #59 was when a friend pointed out how confusing it must be for Roy and Harper since both are referred to as Harper most of the time.  
> #60 was inspired by a dialogue prompt I found on tumblr


	16. 61-64

**61)** **Demon summoning**  

Jason, Dick, Tim, Cass and Stephanie were sitting in the living room one night when they decided that lighting a bunch of candles and placing them in a circle as if to summon a demon was a good idea. 

"So what, do I just clap my hands and say 'presto'?" Steph asked, sitting with her legs crossed Indian style on the floor. 

No one knew so she did it anyway. 

Right after saying 'presto' Damian choose that exact moment to walk in on the group. 

"What is the meaning of this nonsense?" Damian huffed, startling them. They all spun around to face him. 

"Holy shit, it worked!" Jason cackled. 

 

 **62) Challenge Bruce to Super Smash Bros.**  

Everyone was speechless as Bruce continued to kick their asses with the most ridiculous character ever—the Wii fit trainer. 

"What is even happening right now?" Dick asked no one in particular. 

Kate shook her head as she watched Bruce's character brutally kick Helena's off the platform. "I have no fucking clue." 

 

 **63) Tough decisions**  

“If your laptop and I were trapped in a house fire and you only had enough time to save one, who would you save?" Barbara asked Tim one day. 

Tim's brow furrowed in concentration. 

"Are you seriously having to think about this!?” 

 

 **64) Hypothetically imply that you killed someone**  

Stephanie approached Jason and said, “Let’s say, hypothetically of course, that I needed help hiding a body-”  

“Hold up let me get a shovel.” 

"I said hypothetically!" Steph exclaimed. 

"Yeah, but whenever someone says 'hypothetically' it usually means they're implying that they've already done said thing," Jason argued. 

"Point taken..... but seriously, I haven't killed anyone." 


	17. 65-68

**65) Ask how Jason and Roy became friends**  

Cass was watching Jason and Roy play video games when a question arose. “How did you two become friends?” she asked. 

Roy shrugged, “I punched him in the face and he gave me a high-five." 

"I also broke your wrist giving you that high-five." 

"Yeah, but then you gave me an ice pack and told me how fucking stupid I was." 

"Touché." 

 

 **66) Steal the doors**  

The residents of Wayne manor were utterly confused once noticing the severe lack of doors in the house. 

"Where have you put my door, Drake?" Damian asked Tim at sword point. 

"Why do you always assume I did it?" Tim exclaimed. "And just so you know, my door is missing too!" 

Bruce was drawing a blank as too who could have stolen their doors as Dick shouted, "How am I supposed to use the bathroom?!" 

Just then Steph walked into the manor, the front doors having also been taken down. She seemed to be holding a piece of paper. "I see you've been redecorating." 

Bruce frowned, ignoring her joke. "What are you holding?" 

"Oh! You mean this?" She asked, holding up the paper. Bruce nodded. "I found it on the front steps. Apparently Alfred left it before he went out to the grocery store." 

"What does it say?" 

"Um... 'Privacy is to be earned.'" Steph paused to look up at Bruce. "Guess we know who stole the doors then." 

 

 **67) Touch Damian’s human**  

Dick was running in to give Colin a hug when Damian suddenly blocked his path. The older vigilante skidded to a halt in front of the kid. 

"Don't touch my human, Grayson," Damian hissed. 

Dick quirked a brow, giving Colin a confused look. 

Colin just shrugged, "He keeps referring to me as his so I just went with it." 

 

 **68) Forget to put up the civilian company sign**  

Bruce had forgotten to put up the civilian sign in the batcave and immediately regretted it when Tim and Steph came bounding into the living room—acting like they normally did. 

It was a good thing the guests were already out the door before they could catch sight of the heroes. 

"What have I told you about acting when civilians are around?" Bruce scolded. 

Stephanie held up her hands as if to surrender. "Hey, Bat's its not our fault if all the sign says is 'ACT NORMAL'" 

"You also forgot to put it up in the first place," Tim added.


	18. 69-72

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the long wait! preparing for and then taking the Midterms had me really stressed and with no time to post anything.   
> Hopefully this chapter will make it up to you somewhat.

**69) Confuse names**  

"Jason, NO!" Bruce shouted, earning him a confused look from said person. 

"What did I do?" 

Bruce sighed, "Sorry, force of habit—Dick, NO!" 

 

 **70) Start up an awkward conversation**  

“You know how I'm kind of a sexy bad boy who rides motorcycles to our meetings and is always breaking the rules in the name of justice?” 

Bruce frowned at Jason. “I don't like where this is going.” 

 

 **71) Mention Bruce’s allergies**  

Bruce sneezed all of a sudden, earning him a smirk from Barbara. 

"Are the emotions too much for you?" 

"...Shut up." 

 

 **72) Joke about being bitten by something radioactive**  

"Wha—how did you do that?" Gordan asked Batman after he once again solved a seemingly impossible case. 

Batgirl snorted, "he was bitten by a radioactive detective." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #70 is a quote from Brooklynn Nine-Nine, which I highly recommend you watch if you enjoy comedy type shows.


	19. 73-76

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to update!

**73) Batman and Man-bat**  

"You know, I just realized that Man-bat is literally just Batman but flipped," Harper blurted out randomly. 

"Oh my god, you're right!" Steph gasped. "That must get confusing sometimes." 

"Yeah, like you're in the middle of fighting Man-bat and you get their names mixed up. That’d be embarrassing." 

 

 **74) Muffins**  

"Bar-" 

"I haven't had my muffin yet Bruce! No one's allowed to talk to me until I've had my muffin!" Barbara yelled, holding a blueberry muffin in her hand. 

Bruce waited as Barbara shoved the muffin into her mouth. 

A few minutes later after she finished Barbara looked over at the older vigilante. "Now what is it that you wanted?" 

 

 **75) Going overboard trying to kill a spider**  

Bruce walked into the batcave to find two of his children, as well as Harper, wielding a barrage of weapons—all aimed at the same spot. Silently, he viewed the spectacle, wanting to know what they were doing before interfering. 

"Why won't it die!" Tim exclaimed, chucking a birdarang at the ground. 

"It must be immortal," Damian scowled and continued to pelt the same area with throwing stars. 

"Bullshit!" Harper shouted, firing a full clip into the ground. 

Bruce raised a brow at her, but still stayed put. That was until Jason ran in with a missile launcher.  

"Tim, Damian, Harper, Jason. What do you think you're doing?" He demanded. 

The four younger vigilantes froze, slowly turning to face him. 

"Um... trying to kill a spider," Tim answered after a beat. 

Bruce frowned and Damian took it upon himself to "clear up" the issue. "It is true, father. This foul creature refused to die so we had to resort to more _effective_ methods." 

"Like a missile launcher?" Bruce side-eyed Jason. 

Damian nodded, "Yes." 

 

 **76) Therapy from** **villains**  

"Just because Scarecrow and Harley Quinn are certified psychologists doesn't mean you should let them diagnose you," Batman reminded the younger vigilantes. 

Stephanie pouted, "But my therapy sessions were going so well." 

Jason gaped, "You go to therapy too?"


End file.
